Of Sleeping Toddlers and Autmoatic Weapons

The President

The Accomplice "Miss Lovely"

The sergeant and I were of similar minds. Two trips around the presidential circle would be quite enough.

Scout often struggles taking a mid-day nap; refuses would be a more exact phrase. And yesterday was no different. Our usual approach is to bring her on an errand with the hopes she falls asleep in the car, a not uncommon trick for many desperate American parents. But by Saturday afternoon, we had run all of our errands. Yet she was recalcitrant, beyond sleep.

We live close to the Malawi President’s mansion. It is at the end of a long beautiful tarmac road without a hint of pothole. In fact it is the nicest road in Malawi. Best of all, the five kilometers is bookended by two round-a-bouts. One takes you into town. The other is a semi-circle directly in front of the President’s gate. You can keep going and going. There is no braking; it really is the perfect sleep road. But yesterday, one loop wasn’t enough for Miss Lovely.

On my second advance to the mansion, I decided I would return home with a completely awake Scout. If sleep couldn’t win after two loops, it never would. She would be victorious yet again. But as I cornered the President’s circle, Scout finally knocked off. Suddenly, three camouflaged bodyguards from the Malawi Defense Force’s Presidential Security Detail stopped me cold with their automatic rifles directed at the tires.

Pointing to the back of the Hilux, I did the universal sign for sleep. The sergeant approached our car and in clipped English started interrogating me about why I had driven to the mansion, not once, but twice. I quickly shssed him, again pointing to the sleeping devil in back. Warm heart of Africa, he was not.

The others’ rifles were now raised to the windshield. I was desperate that the sergeant didn’t wake Scout and contemplated making a run for it when he wouldn’t lower his voice despite my desperate shssing.

When he finally recognized Scout asleep in the back, he raised his voice even louder. I think that for him the bigger offense was, not driving so close to the mansion, but cruising my daughter to sleep in an air-conditioned SUV listening to new age lullabies while living in the 3rd poorest nation on earth during a diesel shortage. What could be more repulsively excessive, base and shelfish?

The standoff continued for about 5 minutes before the sergeant bored of me. Finally, he took my address and sent me home.

They have not come to find us today so I think we are safe. Scout, of course, slept through the whole affair.